Hey there!
As some of you know, I am a marriage and family therapist. I understand how to recognize, talk about, and create peaceful relationships. Relationships are my passion.
I feel incredibly lucky to talk about relationships with people all day. People allow me to hold space for them, hear their stories, and help them figure out what is best for them. I find myself, most often, having conversations about “healthy relationships” and exploring what that looks like. Some people really struggle to come up with qualities that make up a healthy relationship. There is no “right” relationship, but there are right things to do in a relationship. Every relationship is different so no one can tell you whether or not you’re in a good relationship. That is a very personal decision. What I do know is that the most important thing in building any relationship is respect, safety, and everyone having their needs met.
John and Julie Gottman are leading researchers in the field of marriage and family therapy. They have a whole research lab focused on studying love—how cool is that? They’ve found that emotionally connected relationships boil down to the following.
Trust
As you can imagine, trust is so important in relationships. It is the belief that a person is consistently operating to maximize your wellbeing and interests, not just their own. It is the belief that someone will have your back and they won’t do anything to harm you. Trust often goes unspoken, but is a building block in every relationship. If we don’t trust those around us, we walk through our lives always looking over our shoulder, being vigilant about possible threats, all of which can be extremely exhausting! We need to create a circle of people we can trust. It’s a survival thing.
Interest
Being curious about the people in our lives is critical to connecting with them. Everyone we encounter has different interests, hobbies, skills, and talents. When we inquire about others, it makes them feel happy, important, and cared for. There is great power in telling our stories to a genuinely interested audience, and when we ask questions, it allows us to learn something new.
Connection/Meaning
Emotionally connected relationships often spend time exploring and creating a sense of shared meaning, as well as building something together. In partnerships, people build a future, a family, and a legacy. In all relationships, meaning is created by how we use our time, what is important to us, where we come from, and where we are going. We connect with others who hold similar beliefs about what life means.
Kindness/Compassion
We must treat others how we would like to be treated. Relationships are most powerful when the people involved actually care. When we give others the benefit of the doubt, they are free to make mistakes, forgive mistakes, appreciate things, show affection, express emotional needs, ask questions, and have challenging conversations. When we are friends with our partners, and others in general, life is way more fun.
Constructive Repair
Disagreements are inevitable but an important part of relationships is how we manage those disagreements. Couples in healthy relationships accept their partner’s, or partners’, feedback—instead of being defensive—they talk about their concerns and issues, and approach conflict positively with interest, affection, humor, and empathy. They practice self-soothing, rather than expecting their partner to make them feel better.
So there you have it; some research-backed qualities of a healthy relationship. The Gottmans have applied these skills to their treatment in couples therapy but these skills are also applicable to your friends, your children, or your co-workers. Really, any relationship with any person.
I often give clients an optional challenge, so here’s one for you: reach out to one person you respect and let them know why you respect them. It will make their day, add a positive interaction to your relationship, and you will spread kindness. And the world can always use a little more kindness.